That Which We Know
by nursejenn
Summary: Some say that the truth can set you free, but you must know the truth first or the lies will come between you.   One shot. Spoilers for season 6 ep. 19; Lauren


**Notes:**

Spoilers below for season 6 Emily Prentiss storyline

JJ/Reid friendship unrealized pairing

Category: Angst/Hurt/Comfort

Synopsis: The truth can set you free, but only if others know it

***************Spoilers Below***********************

**That Which We Know**

**The Hospital**

Eyes down, heartbroken and soft spoken.

I know he never got to say goodbye.

I know. I think of all of what might have been as I comfort him with my arms. My heart breaks as dreams shatter and the shards are swept away and I have no chance to grieve their passing; no chance to say goodbye to what might have been.

**The Cemetery **

We stand side by side and place flowers on a casket. Tears fill my eyes. My tears are for him. So bereft, I can feel the waves of grief, so much guilt and palpable anguish.

Hotch and I look at each other and we know. We know the pain, the depth of mourning, the agony of losing a family member. A trusted and loved family member. Hotch's eyes are pained and grieve in a different way. His reflect guilt as well. We are mirror images of each other because we know.

We know there should have been joy and relief; prayers of tentative thankfulness, tentative because of the fear that God might change his mind, that the news _was_ too good to be true.

But, it was good news. The kind of news that leaves your body weak, drained but so very grateful. The kind of news so wonderful that tears of happiness roll down your cheeks.

But no one in this gathering can know. No one can know that those fervent, desperate prayers _were _answered. The answer that should have brought joy was exchanged for a lie. A lie that took away a piece of each heart here and buried it the ground just like the casket. An empty casket, also empty of truth.

**The Plane**

I know the pointlessness of the conflict within myself as I return home from Paris.

I knew as I held him, comforted him, even grieved for him that the possibilities were gone.

I know I loved Will and I'll always have a place for him in my heart. A miracle of our love is the beautiful boy I hold in my arms each night. I knew as we separated, as we mutually, calmly and even maturely decided that Will would leave, I knew that he would always be a part of our lives. Spencer knew that also.

I know Spencer loves Henry; that he had an easygoing friendship with Will and supported us as a family. Spencer tries to remain positive that even though Will is no longer physically there every day, that Will is a good father. He believes that Will is a good man and that he'll remain very active in Henry's life. He trusts that I will be the kind of mother that gives her son every opportunity to have a healthy family life. He trusts me. He is devoted to Henry and I, and I thought that one day there could be more.

I know as I've held him many times since that awful day that there could never be anything more between us. I gave him comfort but, I no longer deserved his trust.

I know we did the right thing, but also I know we betrayed our closest friends; our family. An impossible paradigm to reconcile; if Emily was to live, she had to die. I know, Hotch knows, those above us in the food chain in the department of the defense know. Hotch will make his peace; I will have to make mine. But this time it's different. Because of what I know and what the others do not know.

I do know that Spencer, Morgan, Rossi, Garcia and even Ashley will mourn. They will eventually move on with less grief and pain. Maybe one day they will think of Emily and begin to feel warmth inside instead of an empty hole. And maybe one day when she is safe, she can come home to her family. However, until that day, she is buried in the ground. And even on that day, when the truth is so wonderful that it leaves you weak and drained yet so very grateful, and the tears are ones of happiness, my life will never be the same. My life will never be the same, but for a different reason. The dreams I could never even say good-bye to will be what remains dead.

Even if they never know, I will still be the betrayer of the betrayed because I knew.


End file.
